The Master Plan
by Endrin
Summary: The South Park gang is now about to start High School. Cartman decides to break up Stan and Kyle's friendship once and for all. Cartman/Kyle


Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or any of the characters that are under copyright. 

In a world where change is constantly happening there are only a few things that one can count on to stay the same. These are of course taxes, inflation, death, and Eric Cartman's hatred of Jews. Even now six years later four friends ready to finally start high school stood at the same bus stop, waiting for the same bus that they have taken all of their lives. In the small town of South Park change seems to come slowly, and while the details my have changed life seems to go on as normal in the town. 

"Can you believe it guys? Our first day of High School! Just a few more years and we will be out on our-" Kyle was abruptly cut off by the very loud sound of Cartman farting before laughing in that same obnoxious way that he has done for years.

"Hahahahahaha Kyle. Whats the matter? Did you start your period or something? Is little Kyle becoming a beautiful woman? I can't think why else you are getting so fucking emotional." He would say wiping away at fake tears as he continued to laugh historically at his own comments. 

"Shut up fatass!" Stan would interject stepping between Kyle and Cartman, Cartman just smirked when this happened. It wasn't really uncommon for Stan to protect Kyle from Cartman's rips. Pulling himself up to his full height of almost six feet Cartman looked down at the smaller man. Most people would be intimidated by being stared down by a man of Cartman's size but Stan had been putting up with Cartman's shit for years and wasn't worried about it.

"Oh whats this? Does the Jew need his booooyfriend to protect him. How sweet." He would say in a mocking singsong voice as he put both of his hands to his cheeks holding his face before laughing again loudly. 

Pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration Stan would let out a sigh.. He hated how immature Cartman was. Sometimes it was like he hadn't changed at all since the 4th grade!

"Cartman don't you have any new material?" He said trying to turn it back on him. "This wasn't funny back in the 4th grade and it isn't funny now you fat fuck." He would say before Kenny and Kyle started to laugh behind him causing Cartman's brows to furrow. He hated being laughed at.

"HEY! I am not fat I am big boned, and I am funny you fucking hippy!" He would yell before pushing Stan back as hard as he could causing him to stumble back knocking Kyle back down in to the snow. "God you guys. You are lucky I even hang out with you losers. Honestly, who wants to hang out with a fucking Jew, hippy, and poor kid!? No offense Kenny, but you smell like the city dump." He would say directing a shrug at Kenny that made his apology more condescending then apologetic.

Meanwhile Kyle picked himself off brushing the snow off his jacket and pants muttering under his breath curses at Cartman. Stan would put his hand on Kyle's shoulder with a look on his face telling Kyle to just let it go. 

This little action was not missed by Cartman however but instead of cracking a joke Cartman got an idea. For years Stan and Kyle were always siding together against him. It was time that he broke up that little friendship.

"It's all so simple..." He would say quietly to himself with a thoughtful look on his face.

"What was that fatass?" Kyle would demand assuming that Cartman was making another Nazi like Jew joke at him. 

Cartman just looked innocently over at Kyle and spoke in such a kind voice that it was obvious that he was up to something. 

"I was saying that I was sorry. I don't know why I do this stuff to you guys... I mean we are starting High School, we are about to be adults. I don't know why I am so immature sometimes, I guess I just have intimacy problems... I mean... you guys are my best friends. Even though I always make fun of you because you are a no good Jew, or dirt poor you guys still hang out with me." He said with a truly remorseful look on his face. 

Naturally he was just trying to bring his friends in to a sense of security with him. He was honestly surprised that they still fell for it every time. Oh sure they normally were suspicious at first, but after a little guilt and time invested in showing that had changed for the better they always ended up trusting him. He was counting on that now.

"I know I have been a jerk, but I think I want to try and start over with you guys. To celebrate us starting High School. So how about you guys all come over to dinner at my place tonight? I will have my mom make a roast." He said.

Kyle would look over at Stan and then over at Kenny before shrugging. "Ummm sure Cartman..." He would say a little taken aback by Cartman's confession. Stan had a frown on his face not trusting Cartman at all but keeping silent. He wanted to believe that Cartman wanted to change, but he was already prepared for this to turn in to some elaborate plan to manipulate them for his own gain or amusement. 

"Alright Cartman I will go too." He would say slowly still feeling anxious about this. 

"Me too." Kenny would say, his voice muffled by the bright orange scarf he wore that covered his mouth and nose. 

center

bDING DONG/b/center

"MOM! GET THE DOOR!" Cartman yelled from the couch as he flipped through the channels still in his large red T shirt and jeans that he wore to school today. 

"One second Poopsiekins." His mother would call back from the kitchen.

center

bDING DONG/b/center

"MOM! GET THE GODDAMN DOOR!" He shouted again more impatient this time. 

"Yes dear." His mother said as she walked past the TV annoying Cartman as he moved to see around her as she walked by. And as if to show that things really hadn't changed over the years his mother still wore the same outfit she had been wearing for years now. It was a moment later that he could hear her voice calling at him from the door. 

"Sweety-pie, your little friends are here." Cartman's eyes lit up at hearing this and he would turn off the TV and get up off the couch with surprising dexterity for a man of his size.

"Coming Mother." He would call back sweetly as he made his way to the door seeing Kyle, Stan, and Kenny dressed in their normal school clothing. "Oh guys, I didn't expect you here so soon. Please come in and have a seat. Dinner should be ready soon." He would say motioning them over to the couch. The boy's would come in and take up spots on the couch talking about the first day of school and how much it sucked balls. Everything to the classes they had to how they missed chef. Cartman didn't join them on the couch, instead he would head over to the kitchen turning his head to look back at his friends over his shoulder. 

"You guys make yourself at home. I am going to help my mom set the table." He would say as he entered the kitchen.

"Dude... what the fuck is with Cartman?" Kyle would ask Stan and Kenny. 

Shrugging Kenny would pull down his scarf revealing the small amount of stubble on his face as well as a few zits before speaking. "I don't know. Maybe he finally got laid hehehehe." 

Kyle and Stan would let out a small laugh at that before Kyle spoke up again. 

"Laid? That fatass? Come on what girl would let him see them naked? I don't know, but I don't believe for one second that Cartman has changed." He said with an affirmative nod. 

"Yeah, I find it unlikely that he changed too. But still... what he said did make sense. Maybe he did change, but I am going to bet you twenty bucks that he can't go the whole night without making a single joke at someone's expense." Stan would say with a grin at Kyle.

"You're on. If Cartman is up to something then I think he will be overly nice. So I will take your bet." He said returning Stan's grin with one of his own. 

Kenny just frowned since he didn't really have the money to bet, but he was used to being left out when it came to Stan and Kyle. Cartman was an ass but Kenny did see him as a friend. And because of that he felt the urge to speak up for Cartman since it was obvious that Kyle and Stan were both unwilling to believe that Cartman could have changed.

"Come on guys thats not cool. I know Cartman can be a real douche to us, but betting on the fact that he is just out to screw us? Are you guys really that intolerant? He has a rough life, no brothers or sisters, no dad, so fucking fat that he will probably die a virgin. Let's just give him the benefit of the doubt. After all he has come through for us now and then." 

When he was done speaking in behalf of Cartman he would just wrap his scarf around his head as he rubbed his arms feeling a slight chill in the evening air. 

"Dude... Kenny's right. By judging Cartman like this when he is just trying to be nice we are no better then him." Kyle said a bit disappointed at Kenny making a good point. 

"Yeah you're right dude... Alright lets just give him the benefit of the doubt I guess..." Stan said still not convinced.

Inside the Kitchen Cartman was humming to himself as he started to set bring out the plates full of steaming food out to the table placing delicious roast and potatoes in front of every chair. 

"Mooooooom." Cartman would say in a sweet and innocent voice to his mother who was putting out the silverware. 

"What is it poopsiekins?" She would ask as she looked up at her son with a warm and loving smile. The smile of a mother with unconditional love. 

"Do you think you could go tell everyone the foods ready while I finish up in here?" He would ask sweetly.

"Oh of course sweety. Your such a good responsible host." She said with another proud smile before leaving Cartman alone to get the boys.

"Perfect... Operation Jew-fag is now in progress..." He would say quietly to himself as he pulled out a small plastic bag full of ground up medication for Erectile Dysfunction. It was one of those ones from the TV adds that were supposed to work in a minute or two. He would sprinkle it on the dish that was to be Kyle's as he continued to hum to himself, pocketing the bag once again, and going in to the kitchen to get the glasses so they wouldn't suspect that he was tampering with the food.

When he came back to the kitchen everything was set up according to plan. He had told his mom that Kyle and Stan were best friends and would probably want to sit next to each other, and because of the bad blood between Cartman and Kyle he knew that Kyle would choose to sit further away from him. So by leaving his hat by the dish he designated as his he was able to insure that Kyle would be sitting in the seat across from Kenny who would be sitting next to him. 

"How is the food everyone?" He would ask as he set down the glasses in front of each of them before picking up the pitcher to pour water for everyone. 

"It's good." Stan said trying to sound like he wasn't suspicious as Kyle nodded in agreement with Stan. Kenny seemed to be the most enthusiastic about it though with his comment. "God Mrs. Cartmen you sure know what a man likes don't you. Your cooking never disappoints. Let me know if you need help with cleaning up or... something." He would say giving Cartman's mom a grin that made it clear what was on his mind. After all Cartman's mom had a reputation of being a whore and Kenny had always been the most interested in sex of the boys. He would be lying if he said he had never thought about being able to get with Cartman's mom.

"Oh my..." Cartman's mom would say as she put her hand over her mouth with a small blush appearing on her face being a bit surprised at the remark from Kenny, but she didn't reprimand him. "Well that's sweet of you Kenny, maybe I could use your help with the dishes or something..." She would say giving him a meaningful look as she left for the living room to eat in privacy letting the boy's have theirs. 

Cartman on the other hand was having a hard time keeping himself from slamming the pitcher of water in to Kenny's head and instead pretended not to have heard that. Instead he would start to pour water in to each glass starting with Kenny and then Stan before going to Kyle. When it was time for him to fill up Kyle's glass he would make like he tripped spilling a little bit of the cold water on Kyle's crotch as Kyle scooted back in surprise. 

"Dude! What the hell!?" He would exclaim as Cartman grabbed a napkin. 

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry Kyle!" He would say before wiping up the water without asking. He kept it brisk and quick not letting his hand linger before Kyle grabbed his hand yelling at him. 

"What the fuck!? Get your hand off me!" He said with a blush as he started to get an erection thanks to the drugs that Cartman put in his food. Kyle quickly scooted back to the table before any of the guys could see that he got a hard on from Cartman! He would take a few panicked breaths before speaking trying to seem calm so everyone would stop looking at him. 

"Sorry Cartman. I overreacted. I know you were just trying to help..." He would say wishing that everyone would stop looking at him. 

Kenny was just shrugged and got back to eating and daydreaming about Cartman's mom. Stan however gave Kyle a curious look wondering what the fuck just happened. It was one thing to agree not to bet against Cartman and just play it cool. It was another thing to apologize to Cartman when he just put his hand on your crotch, and without so much as a gay joke! Something was strange about that but he didn't know what it was and he didn't want to speak up and possibly embarrass Kyle more. 

Cartman on the other hand had to suppress another triumphant grin. His plan was working perfectly so far. He was going to totally make Kyle think he was gay. And then he was going to try and hook him and Stan up. It was perfect! Stan being straight would probably freak out and never want to talk to Kyle again! And then they wouldn't always be ganging up on him trying to ruin his fun. 

So instead of grinning he would put on a worried look as he took his seat trying to put off the image of a dog with his tail in between his legs. 

"Sorry Kyle," he would say remorsefully with his eyes downcast, "That was pretty stupid huh? I am just trying so hard to make a good impression with this whole fresh start thing, and I guess I wasn't thinking..." He would say as he shyly looked up at Kyle as if he was asking for forgiveness. 

Kyle would sigh feeling really panicked that the erection still hadn't gone away. Could it be because he was still thinking about it? How could he not think about it? But how could he like Cartman!? Cartman was a bigoted fat ass that was willing to destroy lives if it would entertain him. He couldn't like someone like that could he? Hell... he couldn't like guys could he!?

"It-it's ok..." He would say looking down at his plate stirring the potatos with his fork slowly. 

"Dude... what the hell is wrong?" Stan would whisper to Kyle looking at him with a concerned look. "Are you ok? I mean... I know we were going to try and be nice and all that, but this is a bit much don't you think?" He would ask feeling a little confused and even worried at his friends sudden strange behavior. 

"Yeah... I'm... fine..." He would say as he took another small bite of his food meanwhile he kept thinking that he has to take care of this before someone finds out. "Hey Cartman...? Can I use your restroom?" He would ask looking away so he didn't make eye contact hoping that no one noticed the small tint of red on his face from what he was thinking about doing. 

"Of course Kyle. My house is your house. Make yourself at home." He would say playing the role of the perfectly accommodating host.

Clearing his throat Kyle would mutter a small thanks before he got up and rushed out of the room to find the bathroom moving fast and angling his body in a way to try and hide his erection from Stan, Kenny, and especially Cartman. He didn't think Cartman would let him live this down if he knew. 

Kyle didn't spend a lot of time at Cartman's house but he had been here enough over the years to at least know where the restroom was. And when he got there he would slam the door shut before locking it and slamming his head against the door keeping his forehead pressed against the door. 

"What the hell is wrong with me. Why the fuck am I turned on? I don't like Cartman. I hate Cartman!" He would say looking down as if trying to tell his body that it wasn't making sense right now. 

"Come on, don't make me do this here. I can't do this here... but I can't go back down there like this..." He would say with a frustrated moan as he moved away from the door and over to the sink looking at himself in the mirror. 

Looking back at his reflection he saw the same thing every day when he got up. Curly hair that he hated. A nose that he thought was too big. Pimples dotted his nose and made him feel even worse about his looks. But it was the same kid he saw every day. The same kid that HATED Eric Cartman. And the same kid that was now turned on by him. Letting out another moan he would turn on the cold water letting it run for a moment before splashing some on his face. 

"This can't be happening to me..." He said closing his eyes willing this to be a dream "I guess I don't have a choice though... it won't go down, and I can't go down there like this. And if I stay up here too long they will know what I am doing..." It was not a pretty situation for Kyle but as he unzipped his pants he knew what he had to do...

"Dude whats taking Kyle so long?" Stan would ask looking over at Kyle's almost full plate and empty chair while everyone else had finished their dinner already. 

"Maybe he's jackin' it." Kenny would say with a small laugh. "Why else would he be in the bathroom for ten minutes?" He would add as if it was simple statement of fact. 

"He is not jackin it." Stan would say firmly sure that Kyle wouldn't be doing something like that HERE of all places.

"Well I could go and check on him." Cartman would say as he got up and proceeded to head upstairs to check on the bathroom grinning ear to ear when he was out of sight. 

Slowly he made his way to the bathroom not wanting to make a lot of noise and when he made it to the door he would slowly lean in pressing his ear to the door straining to hear something and sure enough he could hear heavy breathing. 

"Checkmate..." He would say in a low whisper for his own ears as he knocked on the door to let Kyle know that someone was out there.

"Kyle... Is everything ok in there?" He would ask his voice the perfect example of friendly concern. "We are a bit worried about you, it's been 10 minutes." He would say waiting for Kyle to answer. 

"Yeah! I'm fine!" Kyle would call out urgently. "I will be out in a minute!" He would add in not wanting Cartman to catch him like this. But it was too late Cartman was orchestrating this whole thing and already knew what was going on. 

"Alright Kyle... We are cleaning up though. My mom said that I have to go to bed soon and Kenny and Stan are probably getting ready to head out. I will see you downstairs then." He would say heading downstairs, and sure enough when he met back up with the rest of the boy's his Mother came right on time.

"Poopsiekins. It's almost time for bed you have a busy day tomorrow." She would say as she started to pick up the dishes. Cartman put up a weak sounding disappointed moan. Though of course this was also part of his plan, he had told his mom he was meeting with a teacher before school about possibly getting some tutoring and needed to get up extra early. After all he didn't want to hang out with a fucking Jew and filthy hippie more then he had too. Kenny made to go help Cartman's mom with the dishes eager to see if something was going to happen but Cartman wasn't about to let that happen. 

"Don't worry about it Kenny, I got it. After all what kind of host would I be if I let you help clean up?" He would ask as he pushed his way past Kenny to grab the remaining dishes and bring them to the kitchen so his mom could clean them. 

By the time he was back out of the kitchen Kyle was downstairs still looking very embarrassed and avoiding looking at anyone. He seemed more eager to get out of there then anyone. Well that suited Cartman just fine. Still he couldn't just be mean and kick them out. He needed to keep up this nice hippie bullshit act for now. 

"Well guys, it was really nice having you over for dinner. I am sorry that we didn't get to hang out longer, but my mom wants me to get lots of sleep since High School is starting." He would say with a frown.

"Alright... I guess..." Stan would say obviously missing something and he knew it. But he didn't know what was up yet, but he planned to find out. 

"You sure man? I mean I really don't mind helping your mom out. Beats going home right?" Kenny would say excited obviously with other things on his mind then cleaning up dishes.

"Well Kenny that is really nice of you but I just don't think I should let you help clean up as host. It just wouldn't be right." Cartman would say dead set on not letting Kenny be alone with his mother. It wasn't her fault she was lonely. She wasn't a slut or a whore. She was just lonely!

"Yeah... I think... going home is a good idea... I got to go to bed too..." Kyle would say as he stood there staring at nothing. It was very obvious that the events of tonight were eating away at him already. 

"Well then... Goodnight!" Cartman would say as he ushered them out of the door slamming it and locking it once there we outside. He would bite down on his lip to keep himself from giggling until he made it back up to his room where he would shut the door and fall back on his bed laughing so hard he actually had to stop so he could catch his breath. 

"Today worked out perfectly. The seeds are planted and now I just need to nurture them before I get Kyle thinking that he is a fucking fag." He would say to Clyde Frog who stat on his bed now. 

Picking him up he would hug the stuffed animal before gently running his hand over the stitching that his mom did to put it back together after Kyle ripped his head off. He never did forgive Kyle for doing that to Clyde Frog. Especially over such a small thing like giving him HIV. But all was well, Clyde Frog was fine again, and he would make sure that Kyle was fucked up for the rest of his life. He didn't care how many failed attempts he had. Someday he would ruin Kyle's life like he ruined Clyde Frog's...


End file.
